Friday, May 23, 2008


That's right. I have no problems anymore. For 42 years I have had problems. They never stopped coming. It didn't matter if I had that job (that not having was the problem before I got it) or the right guy (ditto last paranthesis) or more money or a better place to live.

Problems were like bunnies. One, and I was okay, but inevitably it would go into heat and another would show up. Then they would start breeding.

Often the same problems kept showing up. Or showing up in different disguises. Having a new problem was often a break in the tedium. New problems made me feel like I was having a "breakthrough." Just a little push more, and I would never have another problem again.

And I was right... kind of...

I do love the chronic, but that is not what happened either. I've tried the stay stoned/ drunk/emotionally numb/disconnected/stuffing my mouth (stuffing my pussy)/Prozac route before. (Usually only a couple at a time, not all at once.) None of those things get rid of problems. Usually the bunnies were really breeding faster, just more out of sight.

And then there is positive thinking. I do believe in the power of positive thought and the laws of attraction. Thinking "positively" about problems does not solve them or make them go away. It makes you more optimistic. It draws better energy to you. But you are still solving a problem.

I've been writing a lot of affirmations lately, and I like doing them. Formulating an affirmation puts me in touch with what I really want and what goals I am truly motivated to pursue. But I realised the other day that writing them is also a way of demonstrating that you do not feel you possess them. You are essentially working on a problem.

"Well, what then?" you ask. "Did you win the lottery, find the fountain of youth, and draw down Adonis as your personal love slave?"

Those are all worthy goals, but they would have brought new problems with them. (That Adonis is a really ladies man. The fountain of youth is unpredictable. And even the lottery doesn't gaurantee financial security- or financial serenity.)

I eliminated my problems by eliminating something that I thought I really needed: Judgement.

Why is something a problem? Especially a problem that has been encountered before? If loyalty and friendship were based on visits, problems would win hands down in my life. They show up and stick to me through thick and thin.

I have problems because I choose to make them so. Because I judge them as unworthy or unwanted in my life. Which means that I am attracting things that I do not want or situations that are unworthy of me. And fundamentally, that comes down to a lack of Love for myself. Because I judge myself.

I am now, and have always been, doing the best I can. I may not have met other people's standards, or the standards that I set for myself (usually based on judgements about other people, and the belief that they didn't have problems), but I have always done the best I can.

Everyone is doing the best they can. If we could do better we would. Maybe we are blocked by some emotional issue we can't get passed, or some situation that we have never learned to master in our lives, but we are all doing the best we can.

There is also the judgement of past "failures" and the belief that we will not be able to do better in the future. Or that we will do worse.

I am doing the best I can. My power is in the present- in this moment right now. In each moment thoughts, choices, and situations will come to me. In each moment I have the choice to release past failures, to affirm a positive outcome instead of creating a negative one through worry, and to have faith that I will guided as each new moment comes to me.

But you don't have enough still haven't lost all the weight... remember last time you did this? remember how that turned out?... He'll say no, he always says no... She won't come through for you... you will just screw it all up like you did before...

Yes, I've been homeless; been dumped; been ignored; failed publicly; humiliated myself and others; behaved badly; gotten into debt; asked too many favours; blown my chances; burned my bridges. Thanks for reminding me of all that. Now I see how it never helped before to try to solve my problems, or re-live them. Some things are going to happen no matter what. So, thanks, little problem creating brain. You've said what you came to say. Now you may shut up. Another part of my mind has something to say:

There is no money problem. Money is not a problem. Whether I have what I think I should have or not, it is not a problem... There is no problem with my body. My body is beautiful no matter what my weight is. And I know that it will only become more beautiful the more I love and care for it, so there is no problem...Perhaps I should learn from that last situation, but I know that I will guided to the best possible outcome. And even if things don't work out the way I want them to, it still won't be a problem. Just a new situation to work out using love and compassion for myself...

Because I don't have problems. Whether I am tin-can Sally on the Hobo express, or flying high in a private jet to Monaco, one thing that will not be in my luggage is problems. I am simply not having them anymore. Whatever it is, no matter how often it shows up, all I have to do is keep releasing and coming right back to this moment.

I still have my goals, but achieving them or not achieving them will not be a problem. A tornado or an earthquake will not be a problem. I began smoking tobacco again since I moved back here. This was a big PROBLEM for me. I don't have to have a problem to make better choices in my life. I no longer have a problem with them, whether I quit or whether I continue to smoke.

My health issue is getting better. I am glad. But it is no longer a problem, whether I fully heal or not. My "let's create a problem" mind loves to keep pointing these things out to me, but I keep telling it "thanks, but I don't have a problem anymore." I just have stuff I am dealing with. The best I can. Right now.

Far from making me lazy about fixing what I used to consider my problems, now I feel like they are easier to deal with. They don't hound me. I do not attach my faith or love or appreciation for myself and my life to the outcomes of situations in my life. I make choices and I live with them. But I do not live with problems anymore.

On that note: It appears I am going back to L.A. I had to make a choice about my situation economically. Initially I felt that I had to solve a "problem", but I realised that really I just needed to make a choice. Not an easy choice, and one where neither outcome was appealing. So I did the best I could. And that is the new situation I am in.

Looks like I will be leaving in mid-June. Staying centred in the present continues to bring up more possibilities than trying to work out all the details through worry and projection into the future. So it seems like things could change rather rapidly. But I have plenty of tasks ahead of me that serve me whether I stay here or go back, so I am focusing on those tasks.

None of them are problems.