Tuesday, October 18, 2005


I went to the Queen Mary Shipwreck Sunday night and IT WAS AWESOME!!!! We had so much fun.

I went with my friend "Enigma" (not her real name). She is one of my favourite friends because she is so -- well-- enigmatic. She's a lesbian that sleeps with men, a thirtyish woman who is in one of these Shriners Organizations (NOT the Shriner's-- but I must protect the guilty and keep everyone's top secret identities), plus she reads a lot and knows about weird stuff. She's into politics and I believe that one day she will be Mayor of Los Angeles. When she is mayor, I will be able to blackmail her big time.

Her girlfriend didn't want to go (because she is a scaredy cat, but she had some lame excuse about "work"), so Enigma offered to pay my way. I had been planning to go next weekend. And I was going to call Enigma, so it was just one of those things that worked out perfectly!

When we got there, it started raining. We were miserable because we didn't have an umbrella. We weren't even wearing coats. And then we had to stand in the line for a really long time. They wouldn't even let us in early even though no one was there and it was raining. Then the scariest part of the night was when I had to use the porta-potty. That's probably why I wasn't scared in the mazes at first.

I didn't really expect to get scared. But after we'd gone through all the mazes once, we had a few drinks. Then we were talking about all the real ghosts on the Queen Mary.
Now, this isn't like the Titanic. Most of the people who died on board died of natural causes, or food poisoning, etc. But it's an old ship, and spirits have a way of returning to their familiar "haunts" so there are some ghosts of former sailors and stuff.

(If you don't know what you are seeing/feeling the dead are scary even if they aren't "bad" spirits. It's just a very cold touch. Actually, they still scare me sometimes.)

But mostly I think that after awhile, we just really got into the whole idea of being scared and running and laughing and screaming our heads off. WHAT A RELEASE!!!

I think that these haunted houses really serve a purpose. In addition to the release of tension and pent up anxiety, how often does our society offer the opportunity to walk through the darkness (metaphorical or real) and confront the demons and horrors that pop out at every turn?

I'll tell you, the night before the moon was full, with a lunar eclipse to boot, the Queen Mary Shipwreck was better than a "Persephone in the Underworld" Rite for cleansing ones psyche of the horrors of day to day life.

Looking at the list of sex offenders that live in my neighborhood is truly scary. Hearing about a ten year old stabbing an eight year old to death, that's the scariest thing I've ever heard. Sometimes the news makes me want to go hide under the covers. And sitting at a dead-stop for ten minutes on the freeway? Yes, that is when I really want to just run screaming mad down the street!

I felt like I'd had a "fear" orgasm or something when we left. Like I'd screamed enough to scare all the mental skeletons from their hiding places in the closets and tombs of my mind.

Plus, if you are a guy (or a lesbian) it's a great place to take a girl on a date. Because she will be glued up against you in the really scary parts.

("I hope you appreciate, as lesbian, that I am pushing my entire boob into your arm, just like a real date," I told Enigma as we walked through the super scary Haunted Hull of Horrors. "Oh yeah, I do!" She responded enthusiastically. Then some scary chainsaw guy popped out and we abandoned each other and ran screaming for our lives.)

I highly recommend Queen Mary Shipwreck. It's really expensive though: $30. And drinks are $6 each. We went through Creatures of the Cove In 3-d three times and it just got better each time. The sets were just amazing, and some of the art was really cool. That was best overall.

The best single costume was the mutant hiding behind the oil drum in Haunted Hull of Horrors. Corridors of Carnage was the scariest overall, but Trail of Terror had a really scary very dark section. We went through most of them twice. I would go back next weekend! It is a lot of fun!



Swifty said...

When I first read this I thought, surely you can't be talking about THE Queen Mary, the cunard liner? But I've since checked online and, wow! wow! thrice wow (for good measure). Even a jaded and miserable git like me wants to go see. Have you any idea how much it will cost on a bus ride from B'ham England to Calfornia?

Thanks for the tip about taking a girl and getting the "pressing" treatment. Now you just done gone and set me a thinkin! [quaint British pseudo-American talk]

That's an interesting point you make about subjecting ourselves to scary situations as a cathartic exercise. I've always thought this is the best argument against censorship in the Arts. All the "good" stuff is about incest, murder, rape, etc. How else are we deal with it's existence?

Denise said...

The Queen Mary sounds interesting. Too bad I live so far away from it.

I've been a bad blogger lately...I haven't been reading OR posting nearly enough lately.

Ron Kane said...

So, Toodler, where is The Scary Queen Mary?

Scottish Toodler said...

Swifty: The QM is a big attraction and every year the Scottish Society hosts a Burns Night Supper on board. I always mean to go, but I've been goig to the Tam for so long I haven't made it yet...That's what I'm here for, to give the guys good date tips! Especially you Brits!!!hehehe...Yeah, in scary movies there's always a kind of release. It's like a safe "what if" for all the horrors in our world. Mental: I love your posts! As Ron said to me "your patient fans will wait!" Ron: It's right down there in Long Beach, on the Queen Mary. I've been before but this time was better!!!

mrshife said...

It sounds like the Queen Mary would be a blast, but alas I live in Boise and I don't think I can afford that right now. Plus, Mrs. Shife is not a fan of the scary stuff so she would never, ever go inside. For the past 8 years, I have begged her to watch "Halloween" with me but she can't make it more than 15 minutes without leaving the room.

Chairborne Stranger said...

I liked the part about a good place for a guy (or a lesbian) to take a date--too funny!