BRIGID, PHOEBE, MAUDE, AND ME, THE TOODLER**

I just watched PIE IN THE SKY: THE BRIGID BERLIN STORY. Watching this put me in touch with the depression I have been fighting off for the last month. Now I am tired and worn out. Despite the vast differences in our backgrounds I could really relate to this woman. The addiction personality (mostly hers was food, but also drugs) her refusal to sugar coat or hide bad behaviour (I think a hallmark of families like hers), even her creativity. But here I become really depressed because of course, she really did a lot of ground breaking things, and while I plan to do some boob painting, she invented it! And can a "trip book" be done when one is sober? Is there hope that blogging will one day be as revolutionary as she was with her polaroids and tape recordings?


Plus she hung out with Andy Warhol and all of those famous New York artists. I mostly hang out with the dog at home and crazy bums at Starbucks. At the end of the film she mentions that it is just as well that she never had children. And the main theme of her life seems to be her struggle with her mother. I felt bad for her because I realized that she was still judging herself the way her mother judged her, in her mother's context, and from her mother's life. Even after everything she had done to rebel and having had her Warhol films come out from the underground (her mother actually went to see CHELSEA GIRLS in a theatre! With disastorous results, of course!). All of that and she still couldn't find a context for her life. A context that was supportive. She never broke with her background or created new core beliefs.

I wonder if any of us ever finds a context for our lives? Are there people that are born into an environment that nurtures them? They grow and thrive and recreate that environment and hopefully they have children that fit into their life as well. Maybe these people do not have problems that warp them or make them want to take drugs or runaway or eat 16 key lime pies in one day. Or does everyone cram the damage deep down inside and some just do a better job at hiding it than others?

I don't think I was born damaged, but I think it began so early in my life-- simply by how at odds my nature was with my early environment-- that most of my life has been trying to heal my eternally wounded inner Fisher King. Constantly bleeding, and constantly questing, and constantly fighting. There must be a way to truly heal.

I have been thinking alot about what I want from the next forty years and I have so many conflicting desires! Watching Ms. Berlin I realized that part of it was that I have lived so many different lives. I ran from the husband and kids and the dog so hard and so fast and so far away that it is (mostly) gone forever. Especially now that I want it. There are certain choices that cannot be reversed, that have unalterable consequences. I am trying to learn to accept this.

And I did have a lot of adventures, but I was always in so much pain and so angry and anxious that I could never really appreciate anything good when it happened to me. There was always fear. And alot of "good" things that have come to me have come in evil packages. And I never did the big things that I said I was going to do. The things that I said were the reasons I didn't want a "normal life." I remain unpublished, and worse, right now, I have nothing that I want published. Nothing written that I am happy about. Ms. Berlin, for all her struggles, does have her art and her career.

Who am I? Who have I been? Where am I going? What do I need to thrive? Is it possible to find a life that fufills all the parts of me? The old and the new? The damaged, the repaired, the broken, and especially, the new growth?

I have never felt like there was a path for me to follow. Very few stories or real people have mirrored my life. I get inspiration from a lot of sources, but rarely do I find someone or some character where I think "she is so like me." I always feel like the outsider.

I found these pictures that represent the parts of me that I think I need to integrate and really listen too. Over the next few days I am going to try to find out what they need to have a fufilling and wonderful life. I need to validate them and see all the parts of me good and bad.

I FEEL CLOSEST TO HER MOST DAYS. I KNOW WHAT IT IS LIKE TO HAVE BREAKFAST WITH TRAVIS BICKLE.

HER MOTHER WAS CRAZY AND HER FATHER LEFT HER. BUT SHE WAS VERY AMBITIOUS AND VERY BEAUTIFUL. THE DREAM OF HER WAS ALWAYS TOO FAR AWAY. I STILL LOVE HER THOUGH.

A CHILDREN'S BOOK ABOUT A GIRL WHO DREAMED OF BEING A WRITER!!! I LOVED S.E. HINTON, AND SHE WROTE ABOUT BOYS THAT I KNEW, BUT THEY WERE BOYS. THERE WAS BAGNOLD AND INGALLS WILDER, BUT THEY WERE FAIRY TALES TO ME. EVEN THOUGH HARRIET WAS A RICH, FULLY PARENTED, ONLY CHILD, SHE WAS A WRITER!!! THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BOOKS AND I STILL WRITE ALL OF MY JOURNALS IN MEAD COMPOSITION BOOKS. I NEED TO REACQUAINT MYSELF WITH MY INNER HARRIET!

SHE IS THE BEST PICTORIAL REPRESENTATION I COULD FIND OF MY PUNK ROCK, POLITICAL ACTIVIST YEARS. I ADMIRE HER ALOT AND SHE IS ENTERTAINING, BUT MOSTLY I JUST LIKE THIS ANGRY, BARE BREASTED AMAZON ROAD WARRIOR LOOK. AND SHE IS NOT "PRETTY." THAT WAS A BIG BREAK FOR ME, CUTTING MY HAIR OFF. AND I TOOK MORE SHIT FOR MY PUNK HAIR THAN MY POLITICS!

PHOEBE WAS JUST TOO BALANCED AND CHEERFUL FOR WHAT SHE WENT THROUGH. I THINK BECAUSE SHE IS A FICTIONAL CHARACTER FROM A TELEVISION SHOW. BUT I ALWAYS FEEL AMAZED THAT PHOEBE HAD THE BIO SHE DID ON POPULAR SITCOM. SHE MADE ME FEEL LESS WEIRD AND GAVE SOMEWHAT OF A CONTEXT FOR THE JODY FOSTER GIRL/PSYCHIC/COFFEEHOUSE SINGER PART OF ME.

I HOPE I CAN DO BETTER THAN BUD CORT WHEN I AM A DIRTY OLD LADY! GODDESS GIVE ME HEATH LEDGER!!! HOWEVER, I PLAN TO LIVE PAST EIGHTY, BUT I AM NOT MAKING ANY PLANS FOR MY REMAINING YEARS OTHER THAN WATCH THE SUNRISE AND SET, AND LOOK AT THE STARS. I WOULD REALLY LIKE TO LIVE IN A TRAIN CAR SURROUNDED BY HOOKAH PIPES, MANDOLINS AND PLAYER PIANOS, AND PICNICS WITH GINGER PIE. (MAYBE SOMEWHERE OTHER THAN A GARBAGE DUMP THOUGH!) MAUDE GIVES ME A LOT TO LOOK FORWARD TO.

I already know that I need a red umbrella. I need to do more cartwheels and nonsense laughing. I need a more active social life and I need to begin writing again seriously. But there are some other things I need too, and I can't tell what they are yet.

MAYBE JUST SOME MORE WENDY O WILLIAMS IN MY LIFE. MAY SHE REST IN PEACE-- SCRATCH-- MAY SHE RAISE HELL IN THE AFTERLIFE!!!

OR MAYBE THE MOON KNOWS.

And I need a vacation. Seriously. I need to go somewhere beautiful and quiet and no rush hour traffic or smog or shopping malls! With lots of interesting people and fun things to do. (Or is that interesting things and fun people to do? hehehe ;o)



"MASTER I GROW WEARY OF THIS PLANET! WHEN WILL WE RETURN TO TRANSEXUAL TRANSYLVANIA?"

Ah, Magenta, that is exactly what I was thinking!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, TOODLE ON!!!

** Another children's author I liked a lot.

MUNDANE MIRACLES

I wasn't sure if the hummingbirds were feeding at the feeder now that the tree has lost all of its flowers. (And leaves!) The other day I was outside raking, and I saw the female come to the tree. I was right under the feeder, and she flew away when she saw me. Then, yesterday morning early, I went outside to feed the birds (mostly sparrows, doves and a few finches) and I heard that distinct buzzing sound. She was feeding on the feeder! She is always a sure sign of joy and the presence of {Flying Sphaghetti Monster/Goddess/God/Universe/Higher Power of your choice} in my life.

I think I've been doing very well at not freaking out or getting overwhelmed. Both are my natural inclinations! (I don't have small children, though! That makes the stress of the season much easier, I believe!) I've managed to stay calm in all of the traffic, or the store not having what I need, or not having the money to buy all the gifts I would like to. I have been able to focus in on what is enjoyable and try to magnify that. I am trying to accept all of my limitations (money, time, energy, etc) and to be content and satisfied regardless.

I am a little tired of people telling me that there is "no point." I am going to get my tree tomorrow, and it doesn't seem pointless to me. My Christmas memories are of the tree being decorated on Christmas Eve, and staying up for Church, and then coming home very late and very sleepy, but not too sleepy for my mother or grandmother's cocoa with miniature marshmallows. We gave gifts on Christmas morning, but we kept Christmas until Epiphany.

To me, Christmas begins too early and leaves too abruptly nowadays. I feel it has lost it's Mystical magic in all of the rush.

I am behind in blogging and checking in on everyone's blogs! But tomorrow is another day! Tomorrow is up early for errands and then to Trader Joes and the supermarket for Christmas Day dinner supplies, and then home to clean, decorate the tree and wrap the few presents I was able to purchase. And get caught up on all the blogs and what everyone in my blogosphere has been doing!

I do love reading about everyone else's lives and interests! Those of you on my sidebar have really increased my appreciation of the beauty and diversity of people on the planet! Reading all these blogs makes me feel like the whole world is filled with awesome, creative, unique and talented people! YOU ALL ROCK!!!

Sometimes I feel as if I am constantly fighting off negative thoughts, expectations and feelings, but at other times, like today, I realise that there is always some sort of struggle, something we must overcome in ourselves, and that the trick is to just lean into it without getting frustrated. Because there will always be something to stress about! But there will always be something to rejoice about to! There will always be a sign, and there will always be beauty! There really are so many moments to enjoy in each day! And always some suprise, some mundane miracle! Like my hummingbird sighting!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, MERRY TOODLE!!!

PS-- yes, drinking...But not much, mostly just wooed by the Christmas lights and music...

LIGHT IN THE DARKNESS

MAY YOU HAVE A MERRY YULE AND MAY THE LIGHT OF THE SEASON STAY WITH YOU ALWAYS!!!

HAPPY SOLSTICE!!!

TOODLE ON!!!

THE SPARKLY SANTA HAT AND OTHER SPEWINGS FROM THE RANDOM THOUGHT GENERATOR

Every year, the desire to wear a Santa hat emerges before the Christmas decorations have been dug out of storage. (This includes the many years that "storage" referred to the garage or back of the hall closet, and not Public Storage!) For this reason, every year I end up buying a new Santa hat.

So this year I decided to make it a custom. Make it official, it looks like you are endorsing it. Suddenly, it doesn't look like procrastination or lack of organization. Call it a "tradition" and suddenly it looks like you meant to do it every year for the last five years!

My new Santa hat has sparkly red sequins and is sexy. I like it very much and it was only $3. See? My people really were Scottish! I can squeeze change from a penny!

On Friday I saw the SOUTH PARK Christmas special for the first time. I cannot believe that I was not stoned or tripping and I was watching talking poop! Holy sh--I mean, OMG! Anyhow, other than feeling slightly nauseous through many parts of it, I laughed my ass off! ("Oh-- this is why people have cable tv!") And I learned a very important lesson: Christmas is about commercialization! Forget all this spiritual, getting together crap! Buy some damn presents!!! And give them to someone!

Ever since I got tagged for that year in review, I have been looking at my shopping purchases. Surely I have purchased things that were not food or clothing that have brought me great joy?

So the other night I was at the drugstore to buy stuff like drano and toothpaste and hair colour (I worship at the altar of Our Lady of Loreal once a month-- she is a demanding but ultimately benevolent Goddess) and I bought this little bird ornament that has a touch sensor and a recording of the bird song.

Okay, so let's just be clear that as a HUGE Xena fan, I am aware that I am a giant geek and completely unacceptable among respectable society, but I LOVE THESE LITTLE ORNAMENTS!!! They are so cute and they make realistic bird songs! I wish I could find more of them!

Okay, nothing makes me happier than seeing a new bird species in my backyard! A day when I see a hummingbird is a great day! A day when I see a hawk is mystical!!!

Alot has been happening over the last few days. Things that I don't like, but also some things that let me know my Angels are watching over me. I am becoming such an expert miner of coal that Jean Richie should rise from the grave and write a song about me!

So often, when we don't have what we want, we think the answer lies in the object of our desire. And really, to have what we want we must learn to give effortlessly. All things are connected, and all things have their complement. To give effortlessly of whatever is asked of you to is to recieve the greatest gifts of all.

I always feel that as strong as magic at Christmas. The giving of things, and the love that we have for each other. The light. The newborn babe and the reborn sun.

The Solstice, and Christmas, and Channakuh, are all about light in the darkness.

"Darkness cannot exist with Light, but Light can exist in the Darkness!"

The Holiday Spirit hit me today, and I have begun hanging lights and wrapping presents! I have determined that this would be a beautiful Christmas, and so it is becoming!!!!

Some gifts may have to be given after the New Year, and oh no! Where is my Holiday poem? I may be a bit behind! Perhaps I shall have to extend the season to Epiphany, or January 6th!!! Don't we all do this these days? It's such a mad rush to get things done, especially when there are so many things to enjoy about the Season!

It is becoming the most beautiful Christmas ever! I feel great hope for everyone and that the war might end soon! And I am sending this feeling with Holiday Wishes to All!!!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, HAVE A MERRY TOODLE!!!

THE PORN TV

(My job is nothing like this...That's Christy Canyon, btw.)

My friend and her boyfriend rearranged their condo and they didn't have anywhere to put their third television. They watch a lot of television, but only in the living room and bedroom, where the other two are. So they sold it to me for $20. (This is how I acquire most of my belongings. Or by helping people move.)

Since my friends have all heard my rants against television, and wonder greatly at my ability to live without cable, she questioned what I was going to do with a second television?

"Put it in the bedroom to watch porn, of course," I answered.

She laughed and yelled to her boyfriend, "Don't worry, honey, it's going to a good home! They are going to use it to watch porn!"

"Oh that's good," he commented. "Now I know it won't be lonely. That's all I ever watched on it." (It was his television from before they moved in together.)

Mind you, they also borrowed my TOE STORY dvd (Tiffany Minx, the queen of blow jobs in my book, regardless of the other things she's known for) and just will not return it!!! They are both kinksters and I love them for it. Especially since they both appear soooo vanilla on the surface.

So I when I got home last night I noticed that the Man of the House had set it up in the bedroom. I turned it on to see if he'd just moved things or actually set up the VCR. (On my list is a DVD player for the bedroom!) I turned on the VCR and found not only had he hooked it up, but obviously he'd tested it.

And my oh my, what an interesting test tape it was.

The old man has some porn that is from the late seventies and early eighties. I think he's had these tapes this long too! But most of them have John Stagliano on them, and we both knew a porn distributor who used to work with Stagliano, by then AKA HIV postive Buttman.

So maybe that is how the old man ended up with these tapes.

One of them has John Holmes, no shit!!!

All the chicks have bush (some of them have never shaved, I kid you not!), and the fake tits are enough to ruin some of the shots. I mean these are really ugly silicone titties and they are all too big for the women that wear them. But Holy G-Spot, Batman! They actually show the men.

The men are good looking, and they are all hard. And they all really look like they know what they are doing, if you know what I mean. (When I watch American porn I feel like the men are just to severe with She Who Will Not Be Ignored, or the clit. I don't need to be mashed down and moved around, which is what it looks like. Use some skill. Jeez, what's they point otherwise? Firm, but gentle, boys.)

Well, anyhow, I'd started on a bottle of Chardonnay that was leftover from Thanksgiving. I prefer red wine but we didn't have any, and I swear white wine makes you drunk quicker. Plus I hadn't eaten. (Although at some point in the evening I did, but I don't remember it, I just saw the remains on the counter this morning.) I went from 0 to 60 in about five minutes.

I remember the old man calling to see what I was doing and I said "Watching this old porn tape. And you should come home. Like, NOW!"

"Uh, yeah, let me finish my beer," he answered and hung up on me.

Two seconds later he was home.

Then he was really really really really really happy.

Me, too. But, man, was I hungover this morning!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, TOODLE ON!!!

IMAGINE

December 8, 1980. I don't remember what I was doing, when John Lennon was shot. That was a time in my life where I was usually on at least two substances, not including constant nicotine and pot smoking.

This was before my conversion to The High Anarchy Church of Punk Rock and British Ska. Later I would add to my calendar that this was the day Darby Crash of the Germs died, but from partying too much (and frankly, no one was surprised). I liked the Beatles alot (who doesn't?) but I wasn't a huge, huge fan. I was really into Lennon's art and lifestyle and persona, though. Not just his music, but his books of writing and poetry and drawings. (I liked Yoko's installation too, and their cool relationship and all of the stuff they did.)

I liked people who were creative, and only Bowie was above Lennon on my list of artists I admired.

I went to the Memorial with two girls from school. I hardly ever attended school, and I am hazy on what grade I was in or what school I was attending. I believe that I was still in Junior High. I do know that this was roughly six months after I had returned from California. And I do know that even though I had been a runaway for all but a few weeks of the previous school year, the school had passed me, because I was trouble and they wanted me out of there.

I do remember that my mom's boyfriend, who was also the former minister of my grandmother's church and a poet himself, gave us a ride to the Memorial held in our largest park. We couldn't believe how many people were there. Many people were smoking pot openly. There was no organization, people just got up and said whatever they were feeling. I don't recall the police being there at all. I don't even remember how all of us knew when and where to show up.

I remember crying during the silent vigil, and as everyone dispersed we all began singing HEY JUDE. You could hear the whole crowd carrying away bits of the tune, dispersing it like a spirit across the city, out of car windows, from the back of pick-up trucks, at the full bus stops.

We bummed a ride from some guys with a big truck who were giving a lot of people rides and who had weed to share. We sang HEY JUDE and smoked pot til we reached the highway. It was so cold and we were in the open truck bed, so we all huddled together til we got back on the street. Then we sang more songs, but I don't remember which ones.

I don't know why, but for some reason I actually went home afterwards, which was unusual for me if there were boys and marijuana around. But I had the Lennon-truck drop me off at home, and when I went inside my mom was playing her RUBBER SOUL album and crying too.

What world do you Imagine? People living life in peace? Nothing to kill or die for? No religion, too? (Personally, I got no problem with religion: Jesus, Flying Spaghetti Monster, or Buddha, but I do dream of peace. )

I declare today INTERNATIONAL IMAGINE DAY. Go on and dream. Imagine. Visualize. Create.

Merry Christmas, War is over if you want it!!



UNTIL NEXT TIME, TOODLE ON!!!!