THE PORN TV

(My job is nothing like this...That's Christy Canyon, btw.)

My friend and her boyfriend rearranged their condo and they didn't have anywhere to put their third television. They watch a lot of television, but only in the living room and bedroom, where the other two are. So they sold it to me for $20. (This is how I acquire most of my belongings. Or by helping people move.)

Since my friends have all heard my rants against television, and wonder greatly at my ability to live without cable, she questioned what I was going to do with a second television?

"Put it in the bedroom to watch porn, of course," I answered.

She laughed and yelled to her boyfriend, "Don't worry, honey, it's going to a good home! They are going to use it to watch porn!"

"Oh that's good," he commented. "Now I know it won't be lonely. That's all I ever watched on it." (It was his television from before they moved in together.)

Mind you, they also borrowed my TOE STORY dvd (Tiffany Minx, the queen of blow jobs in my book, regardless of the other things she's known for) and just will not return it!!! They are both kinksters and I love them for it. Especially since they both appear soooo vanilla on the surface.

So I when I got home last night I noticed that the Man of the House had set it up in the bedroom. I turned it on to see if he'd just moved things or actually set up the VCR. (On my list is a DVD player for the bedroom!) I turned on the VCR and found not only had he hooked it up, but obviously he'd tested it.

And my oh my, what an interesting test tape it was.

The old man has some porn that is from the late seventies and early eighties. I think he's had these tapes this long too! But most of them have John Stagliano on them, and we both knew a porn distributor who used to work with Stagliano, by then AKA HIV postive Buttman.

So maybe that is how the old man ended up with these tapes.

One of them has John Holmes, no shit!!!

All the chicks have bush (some of them have never shaved, I kid you not!), and the fake tits are enough to ruin some of the shots. I mean these are really ugly silicone titties and they are all too big for the women that wear them. But Holy G-Spot, Batman! They actually show the men.

The men are good looking, and they are all hard. And they all really look like they know what they are doing, if you know what I mean. (When I watch American porn I feel like the men are just to severe with She Who Will Not Be Ignored, or the clit. I don't need to be mashed down and moved around, which is what it looks like. Use some skill. Jeez, what's they point otherwise? Firm, but gentle, boys.)

Well, anyhow, I'd started on a bottle of Chardonnay that was leftover from Thanksgiving. I prefer red wine but we didn't have any, and I swear white wine makes you drunk quicker. Plus I hadn't eaten. (Although at some point in the evening I did, but I don't remember it, I just saw the remains on the counter this morning.) I went from 0 to 60 in about five minutes.

I remember the old man calling to see what I was doing and I said "Watching this old porn tape. And you should come home. Like, NOW!"

"Uh, yeah, let me finish my beer," he answered and hung up on me.

Two seconds later he was home.

Then he was really really really really really happy.

Me, too. But, man, was I hungover this morning!

UNTIL NEXT TIME, TOODLE ON!!!