HARVILLE HENDRIX

In 1992 I had a pretty serious nervous breakdown. I'd been carrying alot of trauma from my past, and also I just did not want to keep living the way I had been. It all worked out for the best, but I would not wish what I went through on anyone. I am always very honest about having been a suicidal wreck because I've found that it helps other people be more honest about their own depressions and breakdowns, which so many of us keep hidden.

I was in therapy, but I was also searching very deeply for the root causes of my beliefs and behaviours. One book that made a deep, deep impression on me, and that I still believe to be "true" all these years later, is Harville Hendrix' book GETTING THE LOVE YOU WANT, A Guide for Couples. (I put "true" in quotes because I've found that it's better not to hold on too tightly to any belief. The truth has a funny way of changing as we change. One of my problems back in 1992 was my rigid, uncompromising belief system.)

In a nutshell, you are romantically attracted to people for their "bad" traits as well as their "good." Basically, if you find yourself in relationship after relationship with people that are (in my case) addicts or alcoholics, completely unavailable emotionally, and often convicted felons, well, you can blame Mommy and Daddy for about two minutes, but eventually you have to face up to the fact that there was only one person who was in all of those relationships: you. (One of the reasons why that idiot John Gray is more popular than Hendrix. "Huh? No more Mars/Venus blame game? You mean I am responsible?" Ugh. At least with responsibility their is the opportunity for change, cuz you can't change anyone else, no matter what planet they are from.)

It just goes downhill from there. Your brain stem, the "snake brain" I like to call it, only recognizes six responses to any given human being-- Mommy or a stranger on the street, your beloved or George Clooney-- dominate (fight), submit to, run away from(flight), nurture, be nurtured by, or have sex with. That's it. So to your brain stem, there really is no difference between your parents (or primary caretakers) and your lover. Yeah, sick, I know.

He has you list the qualities of your romantic partners and find the core patterns that link all of them. Was daddy distant towards you when he was upset? Did mommy suffocate you with you affection? Depending on what aspects of yourself you are rejecting, and also which parent's behaviour damaged you more (he is not talking about severe abuse, but just the normal limitations of parenting-- that parents are human and cannot always be perfect for their children), you will choose a man who is ultimately distant when he is angry, or a woman who suffocates you with affection.

Now here's where it starts getting interesting. Especially if you read the book for singles and go through the exercises. KEEPING THE LOVE YOU FIND, A Workbook for Singles. Number one, you need a partner who has those negative traits, because you want to resolve the pains of your childhood. The parts of you that were "wounded." Also, these are probably rejected areas of yourself that you need to reclaim. That you had to disown certain parts of yourself that you have been unconsciously projecting onto your romantic partners. Much of the being "in love" thing is that you feel whole when you are with them. You are not separated in your disowned self or from that which has wounded you.

That "in love" feeling is there to shroud your sight and make you get into a relationship with someone that is exactly what you think you are running from. ("All three of my wives have turned out to be greedy leeches.") As I've mentioned before, I think our purpose in life is to solve our problems. Hendrix agrees with me, at least in love and romance.

Think that's it? Haha. Here's the real kicker: now that you are armed with this knowledge, you must stop seeking your own wholeness by demanding that your partner change. Huh? Yeah, that's what I thought. "How am I ever going to get me mine I?" (Cricket, the way of the Tao is unclear and a big pain in the ass. ) Well, you just have to have faith, and further, you have to work to change the parts of yourself that all of your partners have complained about in you.

You see, your snake brain also cannot really tell the difference between you and someone else when it comes to your behaviours and actions. Nurture another and it recognizes only nurturing, and being the self-centered "fight, flight or f**k" mo-fu that it is, it takes the nurturing as self-directed. So, by trying to heal another, you heal yourself. And you work on reclaiming lost parts of yourself. I mean, seriously, hasn't every lover you've ever had complained about your temper? No? Well, maybe that's just me again. But you see my point?

He says in the book, if you come from a really screwed up background you will have to work harder at this and accept that you are seriously damaged. I mean, even as screwed up as my childhood was, I was not an incest victim. I cannot imagine that kind of terror or damage. Or what kind of partners that would lead someone too. (He really gets into this more in the second book, I think. But there is a chapter in the first one.)

Also, their is individual temperments. My sister is much healthier and has always had better self esteem than me, and we grew up in the same house. I've known junkies who grew up in stable, loving homes. I've met incest victims who have married and had children and put their past behind them. (Not without struggle or a lot of therapy and searching, but just to illustrate the point that people are different.) Not all temperments are suited for all environments. We each are unique.

Even though I have not had a successful relationship in my life, I have learned so much about myself and why I love who I love from these books. And I have noticed that in "normal" relationships this seems to happen anyhow subconsciously. ("Well, my father was like this, so I am just trying to accept that my husband will always try to duck out of disciplining the children." Or "I can't believe how much my wife is like my mother." Etc.)

It's easier to deal with the familiar. And I think everyone knows what it feels like to let something slide, or give the lover a break from some recurring issue. ("I don't have issues," a friend used to say. "I have subscriptions.") It's nice to be the generous one. And as long as the other partner is just as committed to self-change as you are, then you are set. Because then that person will be doing their best to stay focused on repairing their own damage, which is probably what you want him/her to change anyhow, etc...

Honestly, I've never been able to do this. But I keep trying, and like I said, this theory seems to encompass a lot of "truth." I recommend these books to everyone.

UNTIL NEXT TIME, TOODLE ON!